


Here Comes Sammy

by Andromeda



Category: Bod, Life on Mars (UK)
Genre: Crack, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2008-02-18
Updated: 2008-02-18
Packaged: 2017-10-23 02:15:36
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,336
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/245140
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Andromeda/pseuds/Andromeda
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>There are no redeeming features in this. It's pure CRACK!</p>
            </blockquote>





	Here Comes Sammy

**Author's Note:**

> This is unbeta'd as none of my friends would touch it with a bargepole. They are probably right. Dedicated, with love, to all my cracktastic friends. You know who you are. Names removed to protect the guilty. Oh, and if you don't know Bod at all, there's some up at You Tube [here](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l_4_2yzylaE).

The sun has woken up, all the fine folk in Manchester have woken up, but Sammy Tyler is still in bed. Now that is strange. Normally Sammy likes to get up at the crack of dawn. But dawn has come and gone and still Sammy is in bed. What could be wrong?

Now here comes DCI Gene. He's not happy. He doesn't like Sammy lying in his bed on his own all day. DCI Gene thinks that Sammy should always come immediately at his banging.

"Tyler!" he barks, "Why are you still in bed? Are you ill?"

Sammy doesn't say a word. Instead he turns bright red. Sammy is embarrassed.

DCI Gene notices that Sammy has gone bright red and quickly works out why.

"Not again, you stupid ponce. Honestly. I can never trust you with any kind of restraint. Well, Houdini, lets see how you get out of this one."

With that DCI Gene walks out of Sammy's flat, leaving poor Sammy still in bed. Sammy doesn't like that. He was rather hoping that DCI Gene would help him out. And now he is on his own.

But he's not on his own for long. There. There's another knock at the door.

It's Desk Sergeant Phyllis and WDC Annie. "Hello, Sammy," they say together.

"The Guv said you were a bit tied up at the moment," continues Annie. "But I need to you look at this file." She stops talking for a moment as she takes in the fact that Sammy is still in bed. "Oh, I didn't think he meant it literally."

"That looks rather uncomfortable," chuckles Desk Sergeant Phyllis. "Did you want a hand, Boss?"

"Oh, yes," remarks Annie. "In fact it might need to take two of us. It does look rather hard, doesn't it?"

Sammy sighs. He's not in the mood. "Could one of you two just undo these, please?"

"I'm sorry, Boss," says WDC Annie. "I don't have the keys."

"I'll have to call the Station and get someone to bring a set over," Phyllis adds. "Don't you two start without me."

Phyllis calls the Police Station and then she and Annie set about helping Sammy with the really hard puzzle that Sammy had been working on.

And there's another knock at the door. This time it's DS Ray and DC Chris. They seem to think it's rather funny that Sammy has managed to handcuff himself to the bed again.

"We'll soon have you sorted, Boss," says DS Ray, still laughing. "Chris, if you just insert that in there."

It's a tight fit and it takes quite a bit of wiggling and jiggling before the key slides into the keyhole even a little bit.

"Gosh, now that's very stiff," complains DC Chris, wiggling it about a bit more. "We could do with something slippery to help it in a bit better."

"There's some butter in the fridge," suggests Annie.

Ray goes and gets the butter so that Chris can spread a thick coat along the length and the hole. He tries again and this time, the shaft glides in smoothly.

"I'll just be a second, Boss," Chris puffs. "This is really hard work."

The key keeps slipping in Chris' grasp, but he finally unlocks the handcuffs. Sammy is very relieved. He thought he would end up being locked up there forever.

As a thank you, Sammy takes Desk Sergeant Phyllis, WDC Annie, DS Ray and DC Chris for breakfast and he even invites DCI Gene. Because Sammy knows that DCI Gene could never resist a tasty pork sausage.

There goes Sammy. And here comes what?

Oh, it's a chicken, with its speckled feathers. Do you know what chicken's lay? That's right. They lay eggs. It has hidden behind that tree, just there. And now it's gone. But there's something else behind the tree. What is it? You can see long ears and a tail. Is it a rabbit?

No, it's an ass. And look. DCI Gene has mounted the ass.

"I always wanted to be in the mounted police," says DCI Gene.

Now there they go, riding off into the sunset.

And now what is this behind the tree? A tail again, but it is a very broad tail. And it has two big teeth. Can you guess what it is? Why, it's a beaver. And here's WPC Annie. Oh, look! It's Annie's beaver! Everyone likes Annie's beaver.

Now, what's this? It has a fluffy white tail and a horn? Is it a ram?

No, it's the Cortina. And look, DC Chris has put a bunny tail on the back for a joke. I can't see DCI Gene being very happy about that. He's come out and spotted the tail. He isn't very happy, is he? Look, he's chasing DC Chris all around the car park. They've gone.

So, what is this? It has a beak, and feathers. Oh, it's another chicken. But look, it has a red comb, it's a male chicken. It's a cock.

And there's another cock. And a third. And a fourth.

 _[sings, with accompanying tambourine]:  
Four fat cocks, sitting on the grass,  
Four fat cocks, sitting on the grass  
But if one fat cock should be swallowed by an ass,  
There'll be three fat cocks, sitting on the grass._

 _Three fat cocks, sitting on the grass  
But if one fat cock should be swallowed by an ass,  
There'll be two fat cocks, sitting on the grass._

 _Two fat cocks, sitting on the grass  
But if one fat cock should be swallowed by an ass,  
There'll be one fat cocks, sitting on the grass._

 _One fat cock, sitting on the grass  
But if that fat cock should be swallowed by an ass,  
There'll be no fat cocks, sitting on the grass. _

And the fat cocks have all gone, but do you know who's coming now? It's DCI Litton and his amazing RCS band.

DCI Litton and his amazing RCS band were walking down the street one day when they ran in a man brandishing a gun.

"What's going on here?" said DCI Litton.

"He's got a gun and he's holding up the post office," said Mrs. Spencer, the Post Office owner's wife.

"We can't have that, can we?" said DCI Litton.

"But whatever can you do?" said Mrs. Spencer.

DCI Litton thought for a moment. "I think we shall play some music that will make the robber change his mind. But what should we play?" He tapped his stick and his amazing RCS band began to play. They played a lullaby and immediately the robber started to fall asleep.

When his eyes had closed and he had started to snore, DCI Litton put his handcuffs on the robber and put him in the back of his car.

"That's the end of that robber, Mrs. Spencer."

Mrs. Spencer was overjoyed. "How ever can I repay you?" she said.

The Constables knew what he was going to ask for. The Sergeants knew what he was going to ask for. The Inspector knew what he was going to ask for.

"I wouldn't say no to milkshake." DCI Litton said.

"I think it's going to be Raspberry," said the Constable.

"I think it's going to be Chocolate," said the Sergeant.

"Straaaaawberry," said the Inspector.

"I think I'd like Lime," said Litton.

The rest of RCS were surprised. Were you?

There goes the DCI Litton and the rest of his band.

Now, who's this? Can you remember? It's DCI Gene. And there's another Gene. That's snap.

DCI Gene and Desk Sergeant Phyllis. Now that's not snap. The two pictures are not the same. You say snap when you see two picture cards the same.

DI Sammy and DS Ray. That's not snap.

Desk Sergeant Phyllis and WPC Annie. That's not snap.

DCI Gene and DC Chris. That's not snap.

DI Sammy and DI Sammy. That's Sammy on one side and Sammy on the other. Someone's a lucky DCI! That's snap!

And there goes Sammy and his friends. But he'll be back.


End file.
